Sometimes, you think it’s going to get better…and it gets so much worse.
Reader, I am writing these words whilst sitting on a shitty “ergonomic” chair at the Apple store in Barton Creek Mall with rosemary oil marinating in my hair (because I always have a useless experiment in the mix), wearing a misshapen cap atop said oil (because against all odds I have maintained some semblance of pride), listening to the worst possible remix of “Keep Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)” by Kate Bush (because we didn’t get enough of that song already), having just learned that iCloud does not work at all the way I had thought for the last ten years (because that would be too easy), under threat of unwilling relocation to my childhood bedroom by my parents should I be unable to find the financial abundance to escape living precariously close to the poverty line (because being an actor is – unforeseen by me – the stupidest job in the world).
I did not want to be sitting in the Apple store today. But life has a funny way of putting us under fluorescent lighting when our hair is greasy and our shirt is slightly damp with sweat and our headache is pulsing stronger by the second. What led me to this lowly place?
Well. Since you last heard from me, Reader, I have:
gained and lost the same ten pounds six times over / made several friends / lost a few others / fell in love with The Boy / almost broke up with The Boy over his lukewarm reaction to The Bob / debated moving to LA / asked my roommate no fewer than 10,000 times if she hates me / returned to regular therapy sessions / felt self-indulgent over said therapy / put a pin in that thought for the time being / watched my older sister get married to A Fisher of Men / realized she is a lot nicer as a married woman / prepared for my sisters and I to be living in three different cities for the first time ever / learned how to fix a breaker box when the power goes out for the fourth time in an hour / learned that electrocution is a myth and if you flip the switches enough times the lights come back on / reconnected with friends I haven’t seen in years / rocked the stubborn remains of weeks-old nail polish clinging to my fingernails several times over / started an independent Bible study / avoided talking about said Bible study for fear of judgement / bought a set of colorful coupe champagne glasses for $17 that have elevated the already-high art of a dresser / …
… / lost a birthday present / made a friend mad /avoided all responsibility / perfected the practice of self-flagellation over said avoidance / cried / cried some more / checked my bank account and cried / tried to use Apple Maps and cried / tried to find anything in the Hancock Center HEB and cried / cried for no reason / compared myself to a woman I’ve never met / compared myself a few more times / made myself miserable / talked about being miserable in therapy / got a grip / lost said grip / overspent on margaritas and sweet treats / deleted UberEats / downloaded UberEats / deleted UberEats / didn’t have enough phone storage to redownload UberEats / told 18 million high school classmates “we should get coffee!” with no intention of ever following up (except you, of course) / broke my own heart / had my heart broken / raged over injustices committed against me / didn’t rage enough over the injustices committed against others / donated $6 to Talarico for Texas / cried over memories / cried over no one to remember memories with / cried over memories yet to be made / laughed / worked out once / …
… / pretended to prefer board games to movies / successfully redirected old habits / fell headfirst into the same traps / threw up from stress in my car and lied about it to The Boy / missed my friends / worked really hard / napped / cried / renounced Catholicism / apologized for renouncing Catholicism / remained wary about Catholicism / watched people who were never very kind succeed with ease / told my parents I was at work to avoid pulling weeds in the backyard / did a keg stand / said good-bye to my sweet puppy / announced I was going to law school / never even Googled a law school / fell asleep watching the lights from tankers sail between a black ocean and sky / overheated with six fans blowing directly on me / fell in love with a perfume only to find out it was discontinued / ran out of a perfume I can’t afford to replace / panicked over not knowing how to break the cycle of feeling overwhelmed / drained my brain brushing my teeth / knocked out six weeks’ worth of work in an hour / added a cabana stripe umbrella towel to my Amazon cart as if I’m remotely in a position to be buying a $200 tassled ivory sun shade / almost finished a book / finished a different book / begged for forgiveness / refused to give it / tried eating three complete meals every day / realized I loathe feeding myself / smoked a menthol cigarette on the porch / burned a bridge I wanted to keep intact / chickened out of burning bridges I should have torched / changed the background on my RokuTV / clawed the nostalgia out of my chest / fell asleep at 6 AM after thinking all night …
…in no particular order.
Reader, I think it may all work out ok in the end.
Love,
Lettie Anne